Many readers, presumably prospective cat owners, have clamored for details of the New Cat Orientation guidelines. Xena found these fascinating and studied them intently. Here are the guidelines, re-formatted for internet viewing.
Welcome to the household! We hope that you will find your life here a satisfying and enriching experience. We have learned that you can make the transition to full-fledged house panther easier by following a few simple rules and remembering:
An orderly and disciplined approach to life is the key to happiness.
- Cats are known for being silent stalkers and killers. Please polish that reputation by remaining silent at all times. Except for purring, which is acceptable.
- Cats are not permitted on the counters. Previous house tigers misunderstood this rule by thinking they could prowl the countertops during my absence. This is strictly forbidden.
- Mealtimes are fixed. Snacking between meals is frowned upon. Begging for food or otherwise making a nuisance of yourself in pursuit of handouts will gain you nothing.
- Adequate sleep is critical for optimal health. Accordingly, you may not engage in boisterous patrolling of the house during sleeping time. You are encouraged to nap during these periods.
- Elimination of bodily waste is permitted only in designated areas.